Insecurities
by Fan Fiction by Jasmine L.Y
Summary: Months after Sully returns home from the tragic ordeal, post the death of Sergeant O'Conner, he begins to suffer severe flashbacks and fears from the traumatic event. In attempt to help her husband, Michaela not only discovers untold secrets of his, but healing for them both.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

" _Stay right where you are."_

 _He could hear the voice, but not a color was visible._

 _Even though the cock of the gun was heard before he turned around, it became a repeated echo in his mind._

 _There they were, face to face. He couldn't see him, but he knew he was there._

" _I've been waiting a long time for this."_

 _The sound of a gunshot was heard, and he felt a strong force hit against him. Falling. That was all he felt. He was falling._

"No!" Sully bolted upright in bed.

His eyes scanned over the dark room. His breathing was heavy, as he wiped the perspiration from his face.

"Sully," a voice heard.

Sully flinched as he looked beside him.

"Michaela," he breathed.

"What's wrong?" She sat upright and touched his shoulder.

"Where…where are we?"

Michaela held his hand.

"Our room," she informed.

Sully looked around and suddenly things became clearer.

The dresser with the basin on top of it, the vanity where Michaela did her hair, the opened the window that a cool breeze blew in from.

Sully let out the breath, he wasn't even aware he was holding.

"Sully," Michaela broke the silence. "You had a dream?" She knew.

Sully gave a slight nod.

"I was on the cliff…" he paused.

Michaela's brow wrinkled in uncertainty.

"Ser…Sergeant O'Conner," his hands shook.

Sully rapidly shook his head, trying to forget the dream.

"Sully," Michaela stroked his hair. "It was just a dream," her tone was soft.

"It was so real," he leaned against her.

"Shh," she pulled him close. "Come here."

Gently, Michaela drew Sully on her chest.

"It's alright, it was just a dream. You're safe."

She could feel his body tremble inside.

Michaela rubbed comforting circles on his back.

"Everything's fine," she kissed his forehead. "I'm here."

At those words, Michaela felt her husband's body slightly relax.

"That's right," she said. "I'm here."

A few moments of silence passed, and Michaela continued to rub Sully's back. His breathing grew steadier. Looking down, she noticed that he had fallen back asleep.

Michaela remained awake for a while longer. Wondering. Wondering, why Sully had that dream. It had been almost a year since the ordeal with Sergeant O'Conner took place. Why had he been dreaming about him? Perhaps it was just a one-time thing. But Michaela didn't quite believe that.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela descended the stairs to see everyone around the table, preparing breakfast.

"Good morning," she greeted.

"Morning Ma," Brian smiled.

Michaela turned to see Sully in the kitchen, preparing coffee.

"Hello," she approached him.

"Hey," Sully kissed her.

"How are you?" She touched his back.

Sully nodded.

"Good," he replied.

"Did you sleep well?" Michaela spoke low.

Sully knew what she was referring to.

"Yeah," he nodded.

Michaela was about to inquire further but remained silent as Sully went to the table.

"Come on," he pulled the chair back for her.

Michaela approached her chair, and everyone took a seat. During breakfast, Sully was unusually talkative. Yet, he somehow avoided Michaela. He seemed to be very brief with her and when breakfast was finished, he was the first to stand from the table.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Cloud Dancing stood on the Mercantile porch and was about to mount his horse but stopped when he saw his brother approaching.

"Aho," he greeted.

"Cloud Dancing," Sully smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"I am about to go to the reservation, Palmer Creek. I have decided to see how the Indians are getting along out there. Would you like to join me?"

Sully sighed and glanced at the store ahead of him.

"I don't think so," he replied.

"You have not been there in many months," the older man said.

"Maybe some other time," Sully touched his brother's arm. "I've got some work to do."

Cloud Dancing nodded and the two made their separate ways.

As Cloud Dancing mounted his horse, he rode a way off, but Sully was still in sight. Cloud Dancing had expected him to go to the Livery, but instead, he went around and made his way past the school and on a road, out of town. The Indian had seen his brother do those often recently, go off by himself and he didn't know exactly why.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully sat on the grassy plain, staring out at the crystal stream ahead of him. He pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders as a cool breeze began to blow. He had walked farther this time, then he did before. He was closer to the mountains. Looking up at the tall structures, he inhaled deeply.

His chest felt tight and his body shook. Closing his eyes, his mind went back. He could feel it as if it was happening all over again. The sound of a gun cocking, the strike of the hard punches. The pounding of his heart deep in his chest as the wind blew against his face as he plunged down the cliff. The hard impact of the rocks against his body. And then, the sudden feeling in his chest. Unable to breathe as he drowned.

Sully's eyes flashed open. He looked around.

 _Not there,_ his mind said. _It's over. You're not there anymore._

Gazing at the clear stream before him, he touched the cold water. It felt refreshing. Once more, he gazed at the sturdy mounts, so close, yet so far away from him.

Sully then stood and began to walk from the scenic view. Right now, he didn't want to be alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Michaela sat at the clinic desk, reading over her medical journal when the door opened. Looking up she smiled.

"Sully, what are you doing here?"

"Are you busy?"

Michaela shook her head.

"No, why?"

"I was wondering," he folded his arms across his chest. "Would you like to have lunch with me?"

A smile grew on her face.

"I'd love that," she stood.

Sully smiled and reached for her hand.

As the couple made their way to the café, Sully wrapped an arm around his wife. Of course, Michaela enjoyed the contact, but something didn't feel the same, as Sully touched her.

"Are you alright?" She glanced at him.

"Hmm?" Sully blinked. "Yeah," he nodded. "Why?'

Michaela shrugged.

"Just asking," she smiled.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela opened the front door to see, Sully, sitting on the porch. The hour was growing late, and the sun had set a few hours ago.

"It's a beautiful night," her voice broke the silence.

Sully turned and smiled at her presence.

"It's late," she sat beside him. "Don't you want to go to sleep?"

Sully shook his head in response.

"I ain't really tired yet," he replied.

An uncomfortable silence fell, and Michaela gave a worried glance to her husband, who was staring ahead at nothing in particular, she imagined. But he seemed to be thinking. He had that brooding look in his eyes, and that worried Michaela.

"Sully," she touched his hand.

"Hmm?" He blinked.

"What's wrong?" She fingered at the ends of his hair.

"Nothing," he glanced at her.

"Something's bothering you," Michaela said. "I can see it in your eyes."

Sully looked down and gave a slight shrug.

"Just tired…that's all," he spoke low.

Michaela wrapped her arm around his side and gently laid against him. She didn't say anything after that, she knew something was deeply bothering him, but she didn't want to press any farther.

 _ **XXXXX**_

That night, Michaela laid awake staring at the ceiling. The hour was late and the only light in the room was provided by the moon that was visible from the open window. Her mind wandered about the day's events. Especially one event, when she had sat on the porch with Sully. He seemed very quiet today, not that quiet was unusual for Sully, but when he got this quiet something was wrong. Michaela's thoughts were disturbed by a sudden jolt in the bedside her. She turned to see Sully, sitting upright his eyes wide open.

"Sully," she sat upright.

Sully flinched at the sound of her voice.

"It's alright," she soothed. "It's me, sweetheart. Everything's alright."

Putting a hand on his back, Michaela brushed the hair from his face.

"Did you have another dream?"

Sully remained silent. He just stared forward, breathing heavy.

"Sully," she pressed.

A nod was his only response.

Gently, Michaela pulled him close to her and laid down. Sully laid on her shoulder, his eyes still open. She rubbed his back and kissed his hair. But it wasn't the same as the night before when he awoke frightened by dreams. This time, his body remained stiff and Michaela could feel the fear within him.

She rubbed his back and relaxed, hoping that he'd feel her body slacken and he would do the same. But he didn't. Instead, he rolled away from her and sat back up.

"Sully," she touched him.

"I need a minute," he stood from the bed and departed the room.

Michaela sat upright and listened to the sound of her husband, descending the stairs then, the sound of the door closing.

At that, she stood from the and raced downstairs. Quietly, she opened the door and saw Sully walking from the house.

"Sully," she called, but he did not turn. "Sully, wait."

He continued to walk.

"Sully!" She raised her voice.

Then he stopped, but he did not turn.

Michaela approached him and when she was close enough, she put a hand on his shoulder and stood in front of him.

"Sully," she touched his cheek. "What's wrong?" Her voice was soft.

Sully looked down and took in a shaky breath.

"Look at me," she fingered at his chin.

Sully turned his face away.

"I can't," he took a step back. "Michaela, please just…leave me alone."

Michaela held his hand.

"Please," he pulled away.

"Sully," she stepped forward.

"Michaela," he raised a hand. "I need to be alone right now. Just go…go back in the house."

Michaela stared at him with tears in her eyes.

"Please," he took a slight step forward. "Don't…don't cry. Just go inside."

"I don't want to leave you."

Sully sighed and looked away.

Michaela pressed her lips together and took in a deep breath.

"Will you…come back?" Her voice cracked with emotion.

Sully took a step forward and gave her a slight embrace.

"I'll never leave," he whispered in her ear.

Giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek, he turned and walked far into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Michaela sat on the porch, a shawl draped around her shoulder. The breeze was cold, and the night was growing into the early morning.

" _I'll never leave."_

Those words she had to keep repeating to herself. She believed him. She knew him. Sully would never leave, he just needed time. But why? What did he need time for? This had been the second night he had a nightmare. Sergeant O'Conner, it had almost been a year since that ordeal had taken place. Why was it affecting him now?

Sighing heavily, Michaela pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders.

"He'll never leave," she whispered to herself.

 _ **XXXXX**_

"He just left?" Dorothy folded the paper, she had just printed.

Michaela nodded in response and leaned on the large printer.

"He hasn't been the same in weeks," the younger woman informed.

Dorothy frowned.

"What do you mean?"

Michaela sighed and clasped her hands together.

"He's been distant, quiet…he's been having dreams," her voice grew soft.

"Dreams?" Dorothy folded her arms across her chest.

Michaela nodded and continued.

"A few nights ago, he had a dream about Sergeant O'Conner. When they fought on the cliff. And the next morning, I wanted to ask him about and he acted as if nothing happened."

Dorothy nodded in understanding.

"He just seems so…distant," Michaela said.

"Maybe he's afraid," the older woman reasoned.

"Afraid?" Michaela frowned. "Of what?"

"Well," Dorothy paused searching for the correct words. "Michaela, do you remember how you felt after you were shot? Afraid and unsafe."

Michaela nodded.

"Maybe Sully's feeling the same way."

"But…why wouldn't he tell me?" Michaela sighed.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Dorothy replied.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully walked on the hard gravel, making his way to the top of the cliff. It was a long walk, but it was much needed, or so he thought. To be perfectly honest, he didn't know why he was doing this, he felt as if his spirit was leading him to this place. But another part of him wanted to run back home and forget it ever happened.

He kept playing the incident over and over again in his mind. The sound of his feet on the gravel, the threating tone of his voice, the cock of the gun, but what he frightened him most was the fall from such a height and loss of breath when suppressed under water.

Sully opened his eyes and there he was. Standing on the top of the cliff, where he fought Sergeant O'Conner. He kept repeating to himself that, O'Connor had died. It was all over. But he still felt as a gun was at his back. He wanted to run away from here, back to Michaela. But he knew he had to do this, he had to face his fear.

Squatting, down Sully fingered at a piece of gravel from a rock. He was thrown against this rock. He was beaten and pushed from this cliff. Since then, his life had never been the same.

He felt moisture rise within his eyes and he attempted to blink the tears away but failed. He would have never done this if he knew what it would have caused. The painful departure from his family, the trouble within the town, the trauma in his mind. But at that time, he was torn between his two worlds. The world that brought him back to life and the world that was his life. Sully regretted so much that he wondered if he could even continue his life.

Leaning against a rock, Sully drew his knees to his chest and sobbed. Alone and helpless. He had felt that way before. But this time it was different. He had people he could go to, but he wasn't sure if they would want him.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela stood in the barn, brushing down her horse. She had just returned home from the clinic.

"Well, Flash," she petted the animal. "Where do you think he is?"

The horse rubbed her face against her owners.

"I know," Michaela sighed.

The sound of footsteps was heard behind her. Turning around, Michaela breathed a sigh of relief, upon seeing who it was standing there.

"Cloud Dancing," she said.

"Aho," the Cheyenne stepped forward.

Michaela gave a slight smile. But Cloud Dancing could see right through the façade.

"Is everything…alright?" He raised an eyebrow.

Michaela nodded facing her horse, once more. She noticed Cloud Dancing's disbelieving look.

"No," she sighed. "It's Sully."

The older man folded his arms across his chest and leaned against a haystack, listening intently as Michaela spoke.

"He left."

Cloud Dancing frowned.

"Last night, he had a dream…a nightmare more like it," she mumbled. "He seemed so afraid. And he walked out of the house. When I went after him, he said that he needed to be alone and he'd come back but…" she fell silent.

"He is not speaking with you."

"No," she blinked away the tears rising in her eyes. "He seems to be avoiding me and I…I can't figure out why."

Cloud Dancing stood straighter and spoke.

"Perhaps it is because he knows if he brings himself close to you, you might…understand him."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Sully is within himself most of the time. You know how he can be, Dr. Mike. Trust him and understand him."

Michaela heavily sighed and nodded. Cloud Dancing was right. All she had to do was trust and understand Sully. He'd come back to her, not only physically but emotionally, they would bond again.

"Thank you, Cloud Dancing," a tear rolled down her cheek.

The older man gave a slight smile and stepped forward, embracing his friend.

 _ **XXXXX**_

That next night, Michaela stood at the bedroom window, holding Katie. Softly humming to the child and rocking her to sleep.

A few moments passed, and Katie drifted off to sleep.

"Good night, my darling," Michaela laid the baby in her cradle.

Sitting on the side of the bed, Michaela ran a hand over her face. She was extremely tired, but she couldn't fall asleep. Not without Sully beside her.

Michaela stood and opened the bedroom door. Soon enough, she descended the stairs, reached for her shawl and went outside on the porch.

Stepping outside, she took in a breath of the cool fresh air. It was a beautiful night and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

Taking a seat on the steps, she sighed heavily. It was growing colder, Sully didn't bring a jacket.

Pulling her shawl tighter around her shoulders, Michaela paused when she heard a noise. For a moment she couldn't determine what the noise was or where it was coming from. She grew even quieter, listening.

The sound was coming from the barn. Making her way down the stairs, Michaela walked to the fence and soon enough to the barn. Opening the door, the sound of heavy breathing was heard. She reached for the nearby rake, in fear of what she would see upon stepping further. She froze when she did take a step forward and dropped the rake at the sight.

"Sully," she gasped.

There he lay in the corner of the barn, sobbing. He looked upward and wiped the tears from his face.

"Mich…Michaela," he swallowed.

Racing towards him, Michaela knelt beside her husband and put her hands on his shoulder.

"What happened?"

Sully turned his face away from her and attempted to conceal his emotions.

"Sully," she touched his hair. "Please, tell me what happened?"

"I…I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm so sorry."

"Sully," she pulled him close to her.

"Michaela," Sully sobbed in her chest.

"Shh," Michaela stroked his back. "I'm here, you're safe. I'm here."

"I'm so sorry," he breathed.

"It's alright, you don't need to be sorry," she said, even though she had no idea what he was sorry for, it pained her to hear him sound as if he was begging for her forgiveness.

A few moments went by and Michaela didn't loosen her hold on her husband. Soon enough, the tears subsided. Sully pulled away and relaxed his breathing.

"Are you alright?" Michaela wiped his face.

Sully let out a breath and nodded.

"Come on," she helped him stand. "It's late. Let's get to bed."

Sully leaned on his wife as they departed the barn and made their way to the house. Closing the door behind them and they went upstairs to their bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sully laid on Michaela's chest, trying desperately to keep himself from breaking down in tears. Michaela rubbed his back and after a few moments of nothing but soothing words, she momentarily fell silent.

"Sully," she spoke.

"Hmm?" He skipped a breath.

Michaela could not tell if he had been asleep or not, but she didn't inquire if he was. Instead, she carried on with another question.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was soft.

She could feel Sully's body tense at her words.

"Sully," she fingered at his hair.

"Nothing," he sniffed.

Michaela sighed. That was a lie. She would not have found him crying, alone in the barn at such a late hour at night, if nothing was wrong.

"Sully," she pressed. "Please, tell me. What's bothering you?"

Sully remained silent. After a few moments, he rolled away, his back facing her.

Michaela sighed and touched his shoulder, but to her surprise, he pulled away.

"Don't," he mumbled under his breath. "Please. Just don't."

Michaela moved her hand away and didn't say a word. She didn't know what to say. But Sully took her attention before she could think about what to say.

He pulled the cover away and sat upright. Before he could make a move, Michaela spoke.

"Don't leave," her voice cracked with emotion.

Sully heavily sighed and laid his head in his hands.

"I can't stay," he tensed.

Sitting up, Michaela scooted beside him. She didn't touch him, for fear he might dart out of the room.

"Why?" She asked.

"I'm going to…" he stopped.

"What?"

"Please," he looked at her with tear filled eyes. "Don't make me…just leave me alone."

Michaela blinked away her own tears.

Sully's heart broke at the sight. He was tearing her apart. But he couldn't be near her, he couldn't let her see him like this.

"Sully," Michaela slowly reached for his hand. "You don't have to talk. You don't have to tell me anything just…please…don't leave," she tried not to cry but failed.

Tears rolled down Michaela's cheeks and Sully swiftly, yet gently wiped them away.

He then gave a slight nod.

"I won't leave," he whispered.

Michaela sniffed and nodded as well. Then she stood and made her way across the room where she, Sully didn't know what she was doing, and he didn't look to find out.

He just laid back down and closed his eyes, but he didn't fall asleep. He remained awake for many hours. Long after, Michaela laid back beside him. He could sense, she was not asleep either. But he stayed as far away as possible from her. His mind was keeping him awake with endless though. As was Michaela's. Thoughts of questions for her husband and she knew he would answer none of them.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Early that next morning, Sully was in the barn tending the horses. They didn't need to be tended to, but he had to do something to busy himself. The sun was just beginning to rise above to mountains, he felt as if it just set.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Sully gave a yawn. He was extremely tired, but he didn't want to sleep for a single second. And he especially didn't want to lay beside Michaela.

The sound of the barn door opening disturbed the silence.

Sully turned to see Brian standing there.

"Brian," he let out a breath.

"Morning Pa," the boy quietly entered the barn.

"What are you doing up so early?" Sully brushed his horses back.

Brian shrugged.

"Just awake, I guess," he replied. "What about you?"

"Couldn't sleep," Sully said.

"Matthew and Colleen are up too."

Sully nodded in understanding.

"Why don't you start getting ready for school?" He said. "I'll take you."

"Okay," Brian turned and departed the barn.

Now that Sully was left alone, he leaned against a post beside him and let out a heavy sigh. Today was going to be another difficult day.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully stood at the anvil at the Livery, molding a burning iron. His mind began to wander as he pounded heavily at the metal. He thought about the happenings last night. How he almost left, and Michaela nearly begged him to stay. Had it gone that far? That his wife had to chase him to make him stay. What was he becoming? Had he let himself go for that long?

The cliff. His mind was there again. The other day, he forced himself to visit that dreaded place. The fear that filled his soul was that when he was first injured.

He could see him so clearly as if he stood before him once again. He could hear the gun clicking, the gravel under his feet. He could feel the punches one after another. But what frightened him the most, was the fall. Being pushed from the cliff, the loss of breath as he fell through the air. The harsh impact of his body against the rocks, and the choking fear of awakening under water.

"Sully!" A voice disturbed his thoughts.

Sully's head shot up and he violently flinched back.

"Easy," it was Robert E.

The younger man let out a shaky breath.

The blacksmith frowned.

"You alright, Sully?"

Sully swallowed heavily and nodded.

"Yeah," he breathed. "You just startled me, that's all."

"Well, by the way, you were pounding on the iron, I thought you might break it."

"Sorry."

"Take it easy," Robert E. patted his arm.

Sully nodded and continued on with his work. But what he didn't realize was that Robert E. hadn't stopped watching him. The blacksmith stared at Sully with questioning eyes. For the past few days, Sully hadn't seemed himself. He seemed more reserved than usual. He would come into work at an earlier and quietly did his work and quickly departed. But there was a stress on his shoulders that Robert E. noticed and he appeared to be getting worse as the days went on.

But who was he to say if Sully was stressed or not? He probably was, but if he was just left alone he'd come around soon enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Colleen sat in the chair, near the fireplace, reading over one of Michaela's medical journals. Looking up from the pages, she glanced at Sully who was asleep on the couch, then at the clock. It was four. She then went back to her reading. Moments of silence passed, as she read.

Suddenly, a scream from Sully broke the silence. Colleen's head darted up to see her father sitting upright, perspiration dripping down his face.

"Pa," she stood and approached him.

Colleen placed a hand on his shoulder and he flinched from the touch.

"Colleen," he swallowed heavily.

"Are you okay?"

Inhaling deeply, Sully nodded.

"Sorry," he wiped a hand over his face.

"That's alright," her voice was gentle. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, no, I'm fine," he ran a hand through his hair.

Swinging his legs over the couch, Sully stood.

Colleen stood as well.

"Are you sure, you're alright?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he gave a slight smile.

Colleen watched as her father slowly made his way up the stairs.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Colleen opened the front door to see her brothers and her husband on the porch.

"Evening," she greeted.

"Hi," Andrew scooted over on the bench to make room for his wife.

"Are you doing anything?" She glanced at the three.

Matthew shook his head.

"No," he replied.

"Just enjoying the evening," Brian added.

"Do you mind if I talk to you about something?"

Andrew shook his head.

"Have any of noticed how Pa's been acting lately?"

Only Brian nodded. Colleen noticed.

"He's been a little… distant lately," Brian said.

Colleen gave a slight frown.

"Earlier, he had a dream."

"A dream?" Matthew raised an eyebrow.

"He said, he was fine, but he looked… terrified."

"Maybe you should talk to Ma," Brian suggested.

"I will tomorrow," she replied.

 _ **XXXXX**_

"He has been distant recently," Michaela sat at her desk.

"Has he been having nightmares or was is this once?" Colleen leaned against the examination table.

Michaela shook her head.

"This is the third time," she informed.

"What is it?" Colleen asked.

The older woman frowned slightly in uncertainty.

"I mean, what is he dreaming about?" She clarified.

"A few nights ago he said, Sergeant O'Conner's name and that he was on a cliff. After that…nothing."

"Why would he be dreaming about that?"

"I don't know. He doesn't want to talk to me," Michaela ran a hand through his hair. "I'll try to talk to him tonight," she said.

"Would you like me to?" Colleen offered.

"No," Michaela shook her head. "I need to speak with him."

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela sat at the kitchen table, updating her medical charts. It was almost ten o'clock, she'd go to sleep in a few minutes.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

" _I've been waiting a long time for this."_

 _There it was. The voice._

 _His heart pounded, he could feel his body tense. He couldn't breathe. Then he felt it, the hard impact against his body. His fall seemed to be endless. Then it happened, he was drowning._

Sully bolted upright in bed. He was drenched in sweat. Wiping a hand over his face, he felt a sudden wave of nausea. Rising to his feet, Sully made his way the basin. After moments of nothing but dry heaves, he began to violently throw up.

"Sully," Michaela entered the room.

There she saw Sully standing over the basin, his breathing heavy.

"Hon, what's wrong?" She approached him to see the bowel full of the contents of his stomach.

Placing a hand on his forehead, she felt a slight fever.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Sully breathed. "I'm fine…now."

"Can I get you something?" She offered.

Standing straighter, Sully swallowed heavily.

"Could…could I have…some water?" He inquired.

"Of course."

As Michaela poured a glass of water, she also poured some into a basin and brought it near Sully.

"Here," she gave him the glass.

Accepting it, Sully slowly sipped it.

"Thanks," he swallowed.

"Are you feeling better?"

"A little," he replied. "I don't think I'm gonna get sick again."

"Come on," she drew him close. "Why don't you lay down?"

Michaela guided her husband to the bed and once he laid down, she brought the basin full of water on the small table beside the bed. Dipping a washcloth in the cool water, she placed it on Sully's forehead.

"Did you eat something that disagreed with you?" She inquired.

Sully shook his head.

"I…I had a dream," he informed.

"Again?" She frowned.

"Michaela," he put a hand to his head. "I can't do this."

"What?"

"Every night," he went on. "I keep having these dreams."

"Perhaps Cloud Dancing can help you," she thought.

"Maybe," his voice was low.

Sully then tightly shut his eyes, as if in pain.

"Sully," Michaela noticed. "What's wrong?"

"My…my head," his voice was rough.

Michaela soaked the cloth again and laid it across his forehead.

"Are you getting a headache?"

Sully's only response was a weak nod.

Standing, Michaela went to retrieve her medical bag that was on the chair by her vanity. Turning she saw Sully clutching his head and taking in deep breaths. She sat beside him once again and opened her medical bag. Pulling out a small bottle of medicine, she sighed when noticing it was half empty.

"Do you think you can drink some tea?"

Sully peered one eye open.

"I'll try," he said.

Michaela nodded. Standing, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"I'll be right back," she whispered.

She then went downstairs to prepare him some tea.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully laid in bed, his face in the pillow. His head was throbbing terribly. It had been a long time since he had a headache.

"Sully," Michaela's voice was heard.

"Hmm?" He rolled over.

Michaela noticed how severely he was squinting his eyes.

"Would you like me to dim the lights?"

Sully nodded.

Michaela did so, the only light was provided by the fireplace.

"Better?" She sat beside him.

Sully did not respond.

"I brewed you some tea," she held the cup.

Sully tightly clasped her hand as she helped him sit up and sip the hot liquid. Slowly, Sully did so, weakly.

"That's good," Michaela gently laid his head back down.

"Micha," he faded. "My… my eyes."

Michaela stood and soaked the washcloth in cool water.

"Here," she laid it on his eyes. "Rest," she said.

Closing his eyes, Sully relaxed his body. He didn't let go of Michaela's hand and she didn't want him to. Laying beside him, Michaela began to gently massage his temples.

"It hurts," he groaned, snuggling close to her.

"I know," she kissed his forehead.

"Hold me," he beckoned.

Michaela's heart went out to him and she gently embraced him. He moaned and squeezed her hand at every pain he felt.

Drawing him to her breast, Michaela rubbed soothing circles on his back and he drifted off to sleep.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully awoke to the sound of footsteps in the bedroom. Opening his eyes, he rolled onto his back to see Michaela getting dressed.

"Good morning," she noticed he was awake.

"Hey," he gave a slight smile.

"How are you feeling?" Michaela approached him.

"Better," he replied. "My head still hurts a little."

"Here," Michaela reached for a mug on the side table. "Drink this."

Sully accepted the drink and slowly slipped it.

"I want you to rest today," she said

"I'll be okay," he protested.

Michaela raised an eyebrow.

"You're never okay after you have a headache. Please?"

Sully slowly nodded.

"So," she held his hand "Are you going to tell me why?"

"Why what?" Sully frowned.

"Why you had a headache and why you got sick last night."

Sully shrugged.

"I don't know," his tone was low.

Michaela didn't believe him.

"Are you coming down with something?" She felt his forehead for a fever but detected none.

Sully moved his head away.

"You said, you had another dream," Michaela said.

Sighing heavily, Sully avoided eye contact with his wife.

Michaela sat down on the bed.

"What are your dreams about?"

Sully did not respond.

"Sully," her tone grew softer. "Please, tell me what's bothering you. I know something is wrong. Please," she implored once again. "Tell me."

Sully held her hand and let out a heavy breath.

"I keep having these dreams," his voice was low. "Last night it…it was worse. I didn't know where I was."

Michaela's heart went out to him and she tightened her grip on his hand.

"What are the dreams about?"

Sully ran a hand over his beard and swallowed heavily.

"O'Connor," he whispered.

Michaela frowned.

"What?"

Sully momentarily closed his eyes and pressed his lips together.

"The cliff," he went on. "When we…fell."

"Oh, Sully," Michaela drew closer to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because…I'm…" Sully sat upright. "I'm fine. It just happens every now and then."

"How long have you been having these dreams?" Michaela inquired.

Sully shrugged.

"A day or two," he replied. "Michaela, I'm fine," he said.

Michaela sighed and shook her head.

"I don't think that true," she said.

"Well, it is," Sully kissed her and departed the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Sully sat at the river bank, staring at the clear water. This time his back was to the mountains. He didn't know why exactly he came here again, it was as if he couldn't control himself. He just walked until he grew tired and he ended up here.

A sound was heard from behind him. Quickly, turning Sully noticed a familiar face before him.

"Cloud Dancing," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"The spirits told me you'd be here," the older man sat beside his friend.

Sully looked back down and fingered at the beads around his neck.

"Black Kettle made you that necklace," Cloud Dancing noticed.

Sully nodded but remained silent.

"They are the colors of strength."

"I don't have much of that right now," Sully mumbled as if speaking to himself.

But Cloud Dancing didn't ignore the statement.

"You have much strength within you, my brother. You need to find it again, find yourself."

Sully shook his head.

"I can't," he looked up at his brother, tears rising in his eyes.

"You won't," Cloud Dancing spoke gently. "Because you are afraid."

Tears rolled down Sully's cheeks.

Cloud Dancing put a hand on his shoulder.

"Have you spoken to Michaela?"

"No," Sully's voice cracked. "I…I don't know what to tell her."

"Tell her your fears," the older man advised. "Tell her what you feel inside."

Once again, Sully shook his head.

Closing his eyes, he said, "I can't. I can't let her know."

"She would understand," Cloud Dancing went on. "She can help you."

"Not with this, she can't," Sully said. "I can't put her through this."

"You and her are one," he went on. "What you go through, she goes through as well. Your pain is hers."

"No," Sully raised his head. "Not this time."

Cloud Dancing sighed, knowing he would not get through to his brother.

Standing, he gently squeezed his arm.

"I will pray to the spirits to guide you, my friend," he walked down the road.

Sully didn't look at him and he gave no sign that he was listening to Cloud Dancing words. He was though, but he didn't know if they were exactly true.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sometime during the night, Michaela awoke. Rolling onto her side, she reached out a hand to Sully. She opened her eyes when she touched nothing but sheets.

Sitting upright, she scanned the room, his beads and weapon belt were on the rocking chair, but he was gone. Michaela drew back the covers, donned her robe, and departed the room.

Descending the stairs, she saw the fireplace burning and Sully seated on the couch.

"Sully," she approached him.

He did not respond.

Michaela stood beside him, she was shocked at his appearance.

His eyes were red as if he had been crying. His skin a ghostly pale, as perspiration rolled down his face and his hair was a mess.

"Sully," she sat down. "What happened?'

No response. Sully just stared at the fire.

Michaela reached out a hand and touched his face. He was ice cold.

Sully flinched back and looked to his side.

"Michaela," he breathed. "What…what are you doing here?"

"You didn't come to bed," she replied. "I came downstairs to find you here. What happened?'

Come to bed?Sully was confused.

What on earth was she talking about? And why was she being so calm in a moment like this? How did she even get here?

"Go back home," Sully stood.

"What?" Michaela stood as well.

"Get out of here, go home to the children."

"Sully, we are home. We're in the living room."

"No," Sully looked around. "It's not safe here, they're gonna…he's gonna find you."

Michaela frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"You gotta go," Sully gently pushed her aside. "He's…he's coming," his voice was lower than a whisper.

"No, Sully," Michaela reached for him. "No one's-"

"Go!" Sully suddenly turned.

He grabbed Michaela by the arm and walked to the door.

"Get out of here!" He yelled.

"Sully," a voice was heard.

He turned to see Matthew.

"What's going on?"

"What?" Sully breathed.

He turned to Michaela, uncertainty in his eyes.

"Cloud Dancing," he said.

"Cloud Dancing's not here, Sully," Michaela informed, her tone was steady. "We're at the homestead."

Sully didn't seem to hear her. He looked around the room, his eyes wide with what seemed to be fear.

"Sweetheart," Michaela touched his arm. "Listen to me, we're home. Everyone's-"

"Can't you see?" Sully yelled "He's coming! He's gonna kill us!"

Michaela frowned, she had no idea what Sully was talking about, but she kept her voice gentle and soft.

"No," she took a step forward. "No one's coming. I promise we're safe."

Sully stared at her, as she drew close to him. He didn't relax, but he kept his gaze on her.

"Sully," Matthew touched his arm.

Suddenly, Sully turned and pulled out his knife.

Matthew stepped back and raised his hands.

"Sully," Michaela raised her voice.

"It's okay," Matthew said. "It's me, Sully."

Sully didn't move, he didn't say a word. He just gripped tighter to his knife and he had a wild look in his eyes as if he was about to attack.

"Sully," Michaela laid a hand on his back.

Sully flinched and raised his knife. Thrusting forward, Michaela screamed.

"No!" Matthew jumped from behind Sully.

Wrestling the weapon from Sully's hand, it fell to the floor. Matthew kicked it aside. He stepped between Sully and Michaela.

Sully staggered back and froze. There he saw Matthew, Michaela, the familiarities of the homestead.

"Mi…Michaela," he breathed.

"Sully," she cautiously stepped forward.

Sully eyed the knife on the floor and then looked back at his wife.

"What? What did I…" his voice trailed off.

"It's alright, Sully," Michaela came closer. "You're fine."

"Michaela," he cried.

Michaela drew close to him.

Sully sank to the floor, his hand trembled as he wiped a hand over his face.

"I'm sorry," his voice shook with emotion.

"Shh," Michaela embraced him. "It's alright."

Sully held tightly to her and wept.

Matthew lifted the knife from the floor. He noticed Colleen and Brian on the stairs.

"What happened?" Brian inquired.

Matthew leaned on the railing and shook his head. He glanced over at Sully and Michaela.

"I'm here," Michaela rubbed his back.

"What's happening?" Sully's body trembled as he cried. "Help me, Michaela. Please, help me."

Chapter 7

Sully sat at the river bank, staring at the clear water. This time his back was to the mountains. He didn't know why exactly he came here again, it was as if he couldn't control himself. He just walked until he grew tired and he ended up here.

A sound was heard from behind him. Quickly, turning Sully noticed a familiar face before him.

"Cloud Dancing," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"The spirits told me you'd be here," the older man sat beside his friend.

Sully looked back down and fingered at the beads around his neck.

"Black Kettle made you that necklace," Cloud Dancing noticed.

Sully nodded but remained silent.

"They are the colors of strength."

"I don't have much of that right now," Sully mumbled as if speaking to himself.

But Cloud Dancing didn't ignore the statement.

"You have much strength within you, my brother. You need to find it again, find yourself."

Sully shook his head.

"I can't," he looked up at his brother, tears rising in his eyes.

"You won't," Cloud Dancing spoke gently. "Because you are afraid."

Tears rolled down Sully's cheeks.

Cloud Dancing put a hand on his shoulder.

"Have you spoken to Michaela?"

"No," Sully's voice cracked. "I…I don't know what to tell her."

"Tell her your fears," the older man advised. "Tell her what you feel inside."

Once again, Sully shook his head.

Closing his eyes, he said, "I can't. I can't let her know."

"She would understand," Cloud Dancing went on. "She can help you."

"Not with this, she can't," Sully said. "I can't put her through this."

"You and her are one," he went on. "What you go through, she goes through as well. Your pain is hers."

"No," Sully raised his head. "Not this time."

Cloud Dancing sighed, knowing he would not get through to his brother.

Standing, he gently squeezed his arm.

"I will pray to the spirits to guide you, my friend," he walked down the road.

Sully didn't look at him and he gave no sign that he was listening to Cloud Dancing words. He was though, but he didn't know if they were exactly true.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sometime during the night, Michaela awoke. Rolling onto her side, she reached out a hand to Sully. She opened her eyes when she touched nothing but sheets.

Sitting upright, she scanned the room, his beads and weapon belt were on the rocking chair, but he was gone. Michaela drew back the covers, donned her robe, and departed the room.

Descending the stairs, she saw the fireplace burning and Sully seated on the couch.

"Sully," she approached him.

He did not respond.

Michaela stood beside him, she was shocked at his appearance.

His eyes were red as if he had been crying. His skin a ghostly pale, as perspiration rolled down his face and his hair was a mess.

"Sully," she sat down. "What happened?'

No response. Sully just stared at the fire.

Michaela reached out a hand and touched his face. He was ice cold.

Sully flinched back and looked to his side.

"Michaela," he breathed. "What…what are you doing here?"

"You didn't come to bed," she replied. "I came downstairs to find you here. What happened?'

Come to bed?Sully was confused.

What on earth was she talking about? And why was she being so calm in a moment like this? How did she even get here?

"Go back home," Sully stood.

"What?" Michaela stood as well.

"Get out of here, go home to the children."

"Sully, we are home. We're in the living room."

"No," Sully looked around. "It's not safe here, they're gonna…he's gonna find you."

Michaela frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"You gotta go," Sully gently pushed her aside. "He's…he's coming," his voice was lower than a whisper.

"No, Sully," Michaela reached for him. "No one's-"

"Go!" Sully suddenly turned.

He grabbed Michaela by the arm and walked to the door.

"Get out of here!" He yelled.

"Sully," a voice was heard.

He turned to see Matthew.

"What's going on?"

"What?" Sully breathed.

He turned to Michaela, uncertainty in his eyes.

"Cloud Dancing," he said.

"Cloud Dancing's not here, Sully," Michaela informed, her tone was steady. "We're at the homestead."

Sully didn't seem to hear her. He looked around the room, his eyes wide with what seemed to be fear.

"Sweetheart," Michaela touched his arm. "Listen to me, we're home. Everyone's-"

"Can't you see?" Sully yelled "He's coming! He's gonna kill us!"

Michaela frowned, she had no idea what Sully was talking about, but she kept her voice gentle and soft.

"No," she took a step forward. "No one's coming. I promise we're safe."

Sully stared at her, as she drew close to him. He didn't relax, but he kept his gaze on her.

"Sully," Matthew touched his arm.

Suddenly, Sully turned and pulled out his knife.

Matthew stepped back and raised his hands.

"Sully," Michaela raised her voice.

"It's okay," Matthew said. "It's me, Sully."

Sully didn't move, he didn't say a word. He just gripped tighter to his knife and he had a wild look in his eyes as if he was about to attack.

"Sully," Michaela laid a hand on his back.

Sully flinched and raised his knife. Thrusting forward, Michaela screamed.

"No!" Matthew jumped from behind Sully.

Wrestling the weapon from Sully's hand, it fell to the floor. Matthew kicked it aside. He stepped between Sully and Michaela.

Sully staggered back and froze. There he saw Matthew, Michaela, the familiarities of the homestead.

"Mi…Michaela," he breathed.

"Sully," she cautiously stepped forward.

Sully eyed the knife on the floor and then looked back at his wife.

"What? What did I…" his voice trailed off.

"It's alright, Sully," Michaela came closer. "You're fine."

"Michaela," he cried.

Michaela drew close to him.

Sully sank to the floor, his hand trembled as he wiped a hand over his face.

"I'm sorry," his voice shook with emotion.

"Shh," Michaela embraced him. "It's alright."

Sully held tightly to her and wept.

Matthew lifted the knife from the floor. He noticed Colleen and Brian on the stairs.

"What happened?" Brian inquired.

Matthew leaned on the railing and shook his head. He glanced over at Sully and Michaela.

"I'm here," Michaela rubbed his back.

"What's happening?" Sully's body trembled as he cried. "Help me, Michaela. Please, help me."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"What's wrong with him?" Colleen stood over the stove, preparing dinner.

"I don't know," Matthew sighed. "He didn't even come home until…sometime in the middle of the night."

"He's been having nightmares," she said.

"How bad?" Brian inquired.

Colleen sighed and shook her head

"Ma said, that the other night he got sick it was so bad."

Matthew lowered his head.

"Maybe Cloud Dancing can help him," Brian thought.

"Maybe we should talk to him," Colleen looked at Matthew; who nodded in agreement.

 _ **XXXXX**_

"I have seen this before," Cloud Dancing sipped his cup of tea. "Michaela suffered in a similar way after she was shot."

"He hasn't been out of the house in days," Daniel sighed. "He hasn't in been out of his room in… four days."

"He is afraid," the older man said.

Daniel sipped his coffee and sighed.

"Of what?"

"He's been having dreams."

"Dreams?"

"Dreams are messages from the Spirits, telling us of the past or of the future."

"What are they about?"

Cloud Dancing shrugged, helplessly.

"I do not know. Perhaps you should ask him yourself," he suggested.

Daniel titled his head.

"I don't think he'll want to talk to me," he expressed his worries. "Maybe you should?" He glanced at the older man.

Cloud Dancing nodded.

"I will speak with him before supper," he replied.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Cloud Dancing approached Michaela, who was descending the stairs.

"Cloud Dancing," she greeted.

"Aho," he smiled. "How is my brother?"

Michaela sighed.

"He's alright," she was hesistant.

Cloud Danicng noticed her tentativeness.

"May I speak with him?"

Michaela glanced at him a shrugged.

"Of course," she replied. "But I don't think you'll get much out of him."

Cloud Dancing noddedd and made his way upstairs.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully sat in the rocking chair, facing the window. He had his buckskin drapped around his shoulders and he held his beads in his hands.

The sounds of the door opening broke the silence, but he didn't make a move. Pulling up a char, Cloud Dancing seated beside him.

"Sully," he spoke.

Sully didn't respond. He just kept staring out the window.

"You have been in here for many days," Cloud Dancing went on, not sure if Sully was listening. "Your family is confused. They say, you've been acting different."

Still, Sully looked out the window.

Cloud Dancing noticed the dark cirlces under his eyes.

"Is it your dreams?" He inquired. "Dr. Mike told me that you've been unable to sleep."

Sully made no response.

"My brother," Cloud Dancing leaned forward in his seat; he brought his voice down to a gentle whisper. "I am here to listen to you."

"I don't want you to listen to me," Sully suddenly spoke; his tone was bitter and harsh. "Just leave me alone."

"You've been alone for too long," Cloud Dancing touched his hand.

Sully jerked away and raised his voice.

"I don't want your help!"

The Medicine Man fell silent.

It had been many years since he'd seen such anger and agony in his brother's eyes. He rose to his feet and made his way to the door.

He looked at Sully once more; his heart broke at the sight.

With heavy footsteps he departed the room.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela opened the bedroom door, to see Sully still seated at the window. Quietly, closing the door behind her, she spoke.

"Sully," she made her presense known.

She knew he wouldn't respond, but there was hope that he would.

Michaela was about the approache the dresser and change into her night shift, but she couldn't.

She couldn't just move about as if everything was fine, while he just sit there so…helplessly.

With soft footsteps, Michaela approached her husband.

"Sully," she knelt beside him.

He didn't move. He didn't even look at her.

After a moment of silence, Michaela spoke.

"I know you're hurting and you don't want to speak to anyone but… Sully, please. Don't shut the door on me," she pleaded. "I don't want to leave you alone but I… I don't know what to do to help you. You have to speak to me. You have to tell me what's bothering you."

Once again, Michaela was met with silence.

Her heart broke and she felt emptiness within her at his distance.

Reaching out a hand, she placed it on top of his.

"I love you," she kissed it and rose to her feet.

Then she began to change.

Sully sat in the chair, now looking down at the beads in his hand.

"I can't, Michaela," he spoke.

Michaela looked at him.

"What?" She returned to his side.

"I can't tell ya," his voice shook with emotion.

"Why not?"

Again, Michaela bent close to him.

"Because you…you won't…you won't want me." A tears rolled down his cheek.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Sully," Michaela was in shock. "What are talking about?"

Sully sighed and looked back down; Michaela did the same.

Reaching out a hand, she laid it on top of his. Sully wanted to jerk away, but he didn't.

"Please," Michaela's voice was gentle. "Tell me what's bothering you."

Sully swallowed hard, attempting to conceal his emotions.

"I don't know…how," his voice cracked.

Michaela put a hand on his shoulder.

"Why don't you start by telling me what you've been having nightmares about?" She knew that had been severely bothering him.

Sully let out a breath and tightened his grasp on his necklace.

"O'Connor," his voice was lower than a whisper.

Michaela frowned in uncertainty, but didn't say a word.

"I can't stop…seeing him. When we were on the cliff, he…he had a gun and…" he couldn't go on.

Michaela noticed the tears rising in his eyes.

"Oh, Sully," her heart went out to him.

"I tried to forget about it and I… I know he's dead and… but I can't forget… I can't…"

"Shh," Michaela rubbed his arm. "It's alright, Sully, you don't have to do anything."

"I can't forget," he cried.

Michaela drew closer to him and with loving arms, embraced him.

Sully clung tightly to his wife but didn't cry. He felt as if his heart was breaking, but he didn't let a tear fall, once she embraced him.

He couldn't cry, not like this. Not with her holding him and he is such a vulnerable state. So, he just laid on her. Relishing the feeling of warm arms around him badly. The feeling of her heart beats against his chest.

He savored the feeling of having lived in his arms. No coldness, no fear, no death. He wanted to pour his heart out to him, but he couldn't. She would reject him, for sure.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Michaela stroked his back.

"No," she kissed his hair. "Don't be sorry, you have no reason to be."

"I just… I can't do it, Michaela," he breathed.

Gently, Michaela broke the embraced and looked at her husband's deep blue eyes.

"Do what?" She inquired.

There it was. What was he suppose to do? Ignore her question, like he wanted to. But he couldn't. She had a right to know. But he couldn't tell her. He didn't even know exactly what it was, how could he tell her.

"I'm sorry," he lowered his head.

"Sully, what-"

But Sully didn't let her finish.

Raising her hand to his lips, he softly kissed and rose to his feet.

"I'm sorry," he made his way to the door.

"Sully," Michaela followed.

By the time, Michaela turned the corner, Sully was already at the bottom of the stairs.

"Sully, please," she begged.

Her heart was breaking. She couldn't let him leave. Not again.

But to her surprise, he didn't walk to the door. He just sat on the sofa.

"Sully?" Michaela was confused.

He did not reply.

"Sweetheart," she drew near to him. "Please, tell me what's-"

"No," Sully's words were swift.

He held no bitterness in his voice, no anger, no resentment, just…nothing. Michaela couldn't sense what he was feeling and that frightened her. For the first time in their relationship, Michaela couldn't tell what Sully needed. Even if it was something as simple as an embrace or a kiss, she didn't know.

"Leave me alone," he stared empty fireplace. "Please. Just go upstairs."

"Sully," Michaela didn't want to leave. "I can't leave you. We don't have to talk, just come upstairs."

"I don't want to be with you," he voice trembled.

Michaela fell silent. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't tell if it was the pain talking or if he truly meant it.

He didn't say a word a neither did she. She wanted to say, that he didn't mean that and talk to him, but somehow she knew he wouldn't listen.

With quiet steps, Michaela drew back from her husband.

"Goodnight, Sully," was all she could think to say and she made her way upstairs.

 _ **XXXXX**_

That next morning, Michaela awoke at an early hour. No one else was awake and she quietly made her way downstairs after washing and changing.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she realized Sully was no longer on the sofa. He didn't join her that night either.

Looking over to the door, she noticed his coat was gone.

Michaela swiftly opened the front door to see the barn door open and Wolf sitting in the doorway.

"Wolf," she approached him. "Where is he?" She mumbled under her breath. "Where's Sully, the boy?"

Michaela turned and noticed Sully's horse was gone.

Her heart dropped. Leaning against the post, she began to cry.

"Sully," she slumped to the ground. "What are you going through? Why are you leaving me?"

Dorothy's words suddenly came to her mind.

" _Michaela, do you remember how you felt after you were shot? Afraid and unsafe. Maybe Sully' feeling the same way."_

"Of course," Michaela stood. "Oh, Sully, what must you be thinking."

Glancing over at Flash, she swiftly saddled the animal and mounted him.

Wolf let out a bark.

"Take me to him," she looked at Wolf. "Take me to Sully."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Michaela rode her horse, with great speed. She wasn't exactly sure where she was going, but she knew she was being led to the right destination. It was if her spirit was leading her.

Suddenly, her horse came to a stop. Michaela glanced around, she could see nothing but forest.

"What is it, Flash?" She rubbed the animal's neck.

Wolf walked onward and Michaela followed. Slowly, they approached forward.

Michaela was silent. Listening for anything, feeling for her husband.

"Sully," she whispered under her breath. "My love, where are you?"

The sound of barking broke the silence. Michaela looked straight ahead to see Wolf barking and wagging his tail.

Michaela descended her horse and ran toward the dog, they were standing at the top of a high hill. Down below, Michaela saw him. Sully sitting there against a tree. She couldn't tell if he was awake or not, hurt or just sitting there, the way he did in their bedroom.

But she didn't waste time, trying to figure it out. Within minutes, Michaela came down the hill and approached her husband.

When she was about five feet away, she expected Sully to notice her presence, but he didn't. He was staring down at his hands. His hair was a tossed mess, his clothes were filthy and his beard was grown out a bit off his cheeks.

"Sully," she drew closer.

Sully's head shot up; she had startled him.

"Michaela," his voice was raspy. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," she knelt beside him.

"How did you find me?" His brow wrinkled.

Michaela glanced at Wolf. Sully understood.

"You shouldn't be here," he looked away.

Michaela sighed. She should have expected his rejection.

Reaching out a hand, she touched Sully's arm. He violently flinched away.

As Michaela drew back, she noticed Sully holding his arm, as if in pain.

"What is it?" She couldn't help but inquire.

Sully removed his hand and Michaela gasped at the sight.

Deep red-blooded stained the sleeve of his shirt. Now that she noticed, her attention was drawn to his other arm, where the appearance was the same.

"Sully," her heart went out to him. "What happened?"

He remained silent. Michaela could see the pain in his eyes, but it did not reflect the physical suffering he endured, it showed the deep emotional torment he felt.

"Please, don't do this," she tried to hold back the emotions rising within her, but couldn't. A tear escaped as she spoke. "Don't shut me out… not again."

Sully didn't look at her, but he knew she was crying. Why was he doing this? He knew she would listen to him, but he couldn't admit. Not to her or himself.

"You won't," his voice was thick with emotion. "You won't want me," a tear rolled down his cheek.

As if instinct, Michaela gently wiped it away. To her surprise, he did not draw back from the touch.

"Sully," she laid a hand on his. "No matter what, I'll always love you, nothing you could ever do or say will change that. Please tell me what's been bothering you for so long?"

Sully drew in a deep breath and momentarily closed his eyes. He began to cry more freely.

Michaela's heart broke at the sight.

"Oh, Sully," with tender arms, she embraced him.

Laying on her breast, Sully's body trembled as he wept.

"Don't leave me," he swallowed hard. "I need you, I need you so much."

"Shh," Michaela rubbed his back. "I could never leave you. I promise you, Sully whatever it is, we'll work it out. We'll find a way… together."

A few moments passed, as Sully laid in his wife's arms. He then drew back; Michaela did not let go of his hand.

Sully squeezed her arm, trying to control his emotions as he began.

"I can't stop," his voice shook. "For the past few months, I've… I've been having dreams."

Michaela suspected this, but didn't say anything.

"I keep seeing him, hearing him. I tried to forget, but… I can't."

Michaela rubbed his hand.

"Who?" She inquired, softly.

Sully stared at her and let out a shaky breath.

"O'Connor," he whimpered.

Memories of when Sully had first had a nightmare, came flooding back to Michaela's mind.

"I keep telling myself, that it's over and I ain't there, but I can't get it out of my head. I can't sleep, I can't work… I don't want to do anything. I'm just depressed and I… I know it's all my fault."

Sully paused and wiped a hand over his beard.

"I know I'm guilty."

"Sully," Michaela sighed. "It's not your fault."

Sully slightly shook his head.

"Yes, it is," he was adamant. "If I never should have..." he fell silent.

When he didn't continue; Michaela began to rub his arm.

"It's alright, Sully," she said.

"I should never have helped them escape. The army would never be here if I just let things be. The town would have been at peace, Cloud Dancing would have-"

"Sully," Michaela cut in.

Sully blinked as if he had been dazed.

"You didn't cause any of this. How could you have known any of this was going to happen? All you wanted to do was protect your friends… Cloud Dancing. He would have been dead if you didn't help him."

Again, Sully shook his head.

"It wasn't worth it," he said.

Michaela was surprised at his words.

"It wasn't worth, losing you and the kids," his voice shook with emotion.

"Sully, you didn't lose us," Michaela reached out a hand to him. "Nothing's changed between us."

"Yes, it has," he looked at her, tears of pain filled his eyes.

Michaela frowned in confusion.

"We ain't been the same," he continued. "I've been gone for so long you've…" he momentarily fell silent, but soon continued. "You've learned to live without me."

"What?" Michaela gasped. "How could you think that? Sully, I could never learn to live without you."

"Look how much I've missed," Sully challenged.

Michaela's brow wrinkled, uncertain of his meaning.

Sully sighed heavily.

"Katie, Brian, they've been doing so much that I haven't seen. Colleen and…and Andrew."

Michaela looked at him, uncertain of his meaning, but she didn't interrupt.

"They're falling in love," his voice shook. "My daughter fell in love and I wasn't there for her."

"Sully, you can still be there for her. For all of them," she encouraged. "There's still time. You didn't miss that much."

Sully swallowed hard, attempting to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"I let you down," he touched her hand.

Michaela was about to interject, but Sully continued.

"I wasn't there for you…when you lost the baby, when Marjorie died," he sniffed. "I wasn't there when my family needed me and I…" he suddenly fell silent.

Michaela slowly came near to him.

Sully hesitantly laid his hand atop of hers. Michaela could feel it trembling.

"Come here," she opened her arms.

For a moment, Sully looked at her, not wanting to make contact. But he couldn't hold back his emotions.

"I'm sorry," he wept as he fell in her arms.

"Shh," Michaela rubbed his back. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

It was a long time that Michaela held onto Sully cried. She could feel her heart breaking with each tear that fell.

 _ **XXXXX**_

"Where do you suppose they are?" Colleen inquired, sitting at the kitchen table.

"I don't know," Andrew sighed.

"What if they need help?" Brian thought. "We should go find them."

"No," Matthew sat down.

All three frowned at him in confusion.

"Cloud Dancing said, that they're safe. They need this time together."

"Why?" Brian inquired.

Matthew's only response was a slight shrug of his shoulders.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela picked up a stick and threw it into the fire. She drew her shawl tighter around her shoulders, the wind was beginning to pick up.

Glancing behind her, she sighed as her gaze fell upon Sully, he was asleep. Rising to her feet, she took out the blanket that was folded in her saddlebag.

Approaching Sully, she gently laid it across his body. As she drew it up to his chest, she felt a hand grip her wrist.

Michaela gasped in fear, but relaxed noticing it was her husband.

Sully backed away and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry," he shifted away from her.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," she felt bad.

Sully shook his head.

"That's alright," he replied. "What time is it?" He noticed the sun had gone down.

Michaela looked up at the sky.

"Almost midnight," she informed.

"You should be getting on home," he sat upright.

Michaela looked at him.

"Will you be coming with me?"

Sully lowered his head, remaining silent.

"I'm staying here with you," she laid a hand on his back.

Sully sighed and ran a hand over his beard.

"I'm sorry, Michaela," his voice was low. "I…I don't know what's wrong with me."

Michaela's heart went out to him.

"You don't have to know," she said. "Just…just let me stay with you."

Sully glanced at her with tear filled eyes.

He accepted her request by laying on her lap. Michaela gave a sigh of relief.

Fingering at his hair and rubbing his back, she hummed a soft lullaby and soon he drifted off to sleep.

As he slept, Michaela continued to stroke is back. While she did so, her attention was drawn once more to his arms. She wanted to lift up the sleeve but didn't in fear of waking him.

"I love you, Sully," Michaela kissed his hair.


	11. Chapter 11

_Michaela's screams echoed through his mind._

" _No!" Matthew lunged forward._

"No!" Sully bolted upright.

"Sully," Michaela drew near. "Are you alright?"

Sully glanced at her and let out a shaky breath.

"Matt…Matthew," he was disoriented.

"Were you dreaming?" She suspected.

Sighing heavily, Sully wiped a hand over his face.

"Yes," he swallowed. "I…I had a knife," he looked back at her.

Michaela frowned at him.

"O'Connor," she inquired.

"No," Sully relaxed his rigid position. "We were in the…the homestead. I had a knife…a knife to you," a tear rolled his cheek.

Michaela then recalled the incident in the kitchen.

"Sully," she put an arm around his shoulder. "You didn't know… you didn't know where you were, what was going on. "It's not your fault."

"But what if…" he paused and laid his head in his hands. "What if I do it again and…Matthew ain't there."

Michaela sighed and shook her head.

"You mustn't think like that," she said. "Matthew was there and no one was hurt."

Sully fell silent and slowly laid back down. Pulling the blanket tighter around him, he faced away from Michaela.

"Sweetheart," she put a hand on his shoulder. "I know how hard this is for you but-"

"No," Sully cut in but didn't face her. "You don't. You have no idea how…hard this is."

Michaela sighed and blinked away the tears she felt rising in her eyes.

"What can I do?" She asked, her voice low. "What can I do to make it better? To ease your pain?"

For a moment, Sully remained quiet.

"Nothing," he finally replied.

Michaela sighed and glanced over at the fire and food that was not far from them.

"Would you like something to eat?" She asked. "There's some meat and-"

"I don't want anything, Michaela," he spoke harshly. "Just leave me alone."

Michaela drew back from her husband and sat by the fire. Looking upward, she noticed the sun rising above the high mountains. She hadn't noticed it before, but the mountains look familiar.

Michaela then recollected when she had been here last.

"Oh, Sully. I should have realized."

 _ **XXXXX**_

Cloud Dancing walked through the woods. He wasn't going to any certain destination, he was just walking…thinking.

He walked onward for a long time, he stopped when he smelled a fire burning. Approaching, quietly he was surprised to see Michaela sitting near the burning fire.

"Dr. Mike," his voice was low.

Michaela swiftly turned.

"Cloud Dancing," she stood. "What are you doing here?"

"The spirits led me here," he replied. "My brother is not well," the Cheyenne looked over at Sully, who was asleep.

Michaela glanced at him as well and sighed heavily.

"No," she held back tears.

"He is still having dreams?" Cloud Dancing knew.

Michaela nodded.

Cloud Dancing folded his arms across his chest.

"He needs healing," he said.

"I've given him some medicine to help him sleep. But he wakes up every few hours from a dream. He sometimes doesn't remember when where is his. He yells in his sleep," her tears flowed freely.

Cloud Dancing put a hand on her shoulder.

"Come," he led her to sit near the fire. "He still dreams of O'Connor?"

"Yes," Michaela wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"I've tried," she breathed. "But it's as if he doesn't want me to help him. He pulls away from me."

"Sully needs to know that even if he does not talk to you, you are still there for him. He needs to feel your love, now more than ever."

"That's all I can do," Michaela wrung her hands together. "Perhaps…" she paused and glanced at Sully. "Perhaps you could talk to him. He's always been able to open up to you."

Cloud Dancing nodded.

"I will try to speak with him when he awakes."

Michaela reached out a hand on placed it on top of his.

"Thank you," she said.

 _ **XXXXX**_

"Michaela!" Sully sprang from sprang upward.

Michaela, who was still seated at the fire was about to approach her husband but stopped when Cloud Dancing put a hand on her shoulder.

Rising to his feet, Cloud Dancing drew near to Sully.

Sully was staring forward, eyes wide and red.

"Sully," Cloud Dancing kept his voice soft.

The younger man swiftly looked upward.

"Cloud Dancing," he was out of breath."Wha…what are you doing here?"

Cloud Dancing bent down beside Sully and put a hand on his shoulder.

"The spirits," he replied.

"Where's Michaela?" Sully asked.

The Indian motioned over to the fire.

Sully glanced at Michaela but quickly looked away when their gazes met.

"You don't need to be here," he spoke to his friend.

"You do not need to be alone," Cloud Dancing countered.

Sully sighed heavily and fingered at the beads around his neck.

Cloud Daning touched his hand.

"I a here to help you, my brother, " he said. "Find your strength."

For a moment, Sully remained silent.

"I don't want your help," he finally spoke. "I don't want anything from you…or anyone."

"You are hurting, Sully. I have seen you like this before."

Sully looked at him with questioning eyes.

"When Abagail and Hannah died, when you returned from the army… after Washita. My brother, you are not a weak person. But you are a person. And you need to heal…from within."

Sully chocked back the tears.

"Sully," Cloud Dancing gently squeezed his hand. "You do not always have to alright."

Tears rolled down Sully's cheeks and Cloud Dancing gently embraced him.

"Help me," Sully's voice was low as he wept. "Please, Cloud Dancing…I can't do this anymore."

Cloud Dancing rubbed his back and glanced at Michaela, who was approaching the two.

Kneeling beside them, Michaela touched her husband's hand. Sully squeezed it and held it near his chest.

There they remained for many hours until the sun rose.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Cloud Dancing went to look for them," Daniel sat in the wingback chair. "He'll be back in a few days."

"But why did Pa leave?" Brian inquired.

Daniel sighed; he didn't know what to say.

It was then when Matthew spoke up.

"Sully needs to get through this on his own. Dr. Mike and Cloud Dancing can help him, but he doesn' want to be home right now," he explained.

"But…what's wrong with him?"

Matthew looked and Daniel.

"Just give him time, Brian," Daniel replied.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully leaned on Michaela's breast, staring at the sunrise. Michaela lovingly stroked his hair.

Footsteps were heard; Michaela looked ahead to see Cloud Dancing approaching.

"I have brewed some tea," he drew near.

Michaela took the cup from him and glanced at Sully.

"Sully," her voice was low. "Cloud Dancing made you some tea."

Sully looked at her. He raised a trembling hand and took the cup from her. But his hand was too shaky. As Sully gripped the cup a small amount spilled out and jerked back as the burning liquid stung his arm.

"It's alright," Michaela took the cup from him.

Sully moved away from her.

"I…I'm sorry," his voice was lower than a whisper.

"That's alright," she put a hand on his shoulder. "Here."

Michaela drew the cup near his lips. Slowly, Sully sipped the tea.

"It will help you sleep," Cloud Dancing informed.

Sully glanced at him and slowly nodded

"Thank you," he said.

"Hahoo," Cloud Dancing smiled and gently squeezed his brother's hand.

After Sully had finished the tea, he fell asleep in Michaela's arms.

"Will it work?" Michaela glanced at Cloud Dancing.

"It will help sleep," he replied.

"Will it help with his dreams?"

Cloud Dancing sighed.

"I hope so."

 _ **XXXXX**_

It had been a week since Cloud Dancing found Sully and Michaela. Michaela was beginning to sense that Sully wasn't getting any better; she even feared that he was getting only worse.

"Sully," Michaela sat beside him.

"Hmm?" He didn't look at her.

Michaela remained silent for a moment, waiting for him to look at her, but when he didn't she went on.

"I was wondering," she began to a low voice. "Would you like to go home?"

Sully looked at her.

"Home?" He frowned.

Michaela nodded.

"Maybe being out here isn't helping," she said. "Perhaps you'd feel better if we were at the homestead. With Daniel, the children."

Sully remained silent for a few minutes.

"If you want to," he finally replied.

Michaela's brow wrinkled.

"What?"

"I'll go if you want to," he said.

"Sully, I don't want to make you go if you'd rather not."

Sully shook his head.

"I don't mind," he said.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"They're back!" Brian rushed to the window.

Opening the door, the children approached the wagon.

"Ma, Pa," Colleen greeted.

She then noticed a sullen expression on Sully's face. She looked at Michaela in uncertainty.

Sully slowly descended the wagon and glanced at the children.

"Kids," he passed them and entered the house.

"Dr. Mike," Matthew spoke. "What's wrong with Sully?"

Michaela sighed and gave a glimpse to Cloud Dancing.

"Sully is going to need some time," she said.

"For what?" Brian inquired.

"Healing," Cloud Dancing said.

"He's been having nightmares," Michaela explained.

"O'Connor," Colleen knew.

Michaela nodded.

"He is going to need some time, to heal, as Cloud Dancing said."

"We'll help him," Brian said.

Michaela smiled at her son's kindness.

"It won't be that easy," Matthew said.

"No," Michaela agreed. "It won't."

 _ **XXXXX**_

Michaela opened the bedroom door, to see Sully seated in the rocking chair. He was dressed in the same clothes; Michaela sighed, this sight looked all too familiar.

"Sully," she approached him.

Looking beside him, he sighed.

"Michaela," he whispered.

"Are you alright?"

Sully exhaled loudly and ran a hand over his face.

"I'm tired," he replied.

"It's late," Michaela said. "Why don't you get some sleep?"

Sully glanced at her and looked down at his clothes.

"I'm filthy," he breathed.

Michaela put her hands on his shoulders and began to gently massage him.

Sully closed his eyes, enjoying the touch.

"I can ask Matthew to bring up a tub," she offered. "You could take a bath."

Sully rubbed his eyes.

"I'd appreciate that," he replied.

Michaela smiled and kissed his cheek.

A few moments passed and Sully did not move from his seat, Michaela then drew near to him.

"It's ready, sweetheart," she touched his arm.

Sully stood and within a few minutes, he was undressed and lying with closed eyes in the warm water.

Michaela watched her husband as he remained so still. She then walked towards him and stroked his hair. Immediately, Sully opened his eyes.

"Let me wash your hair," Michaela said.

"That's alright," Sully drew back.

"Sully," she looked at him with loving eyes. "Please."

He sighed and leaned back, allowing her to take care of him.

Michaela gently washed his hair and afterward, she reached for the sponge and began to wash his body.

Lifting his arm, she was about to wash it but stopped. She saw deep red scars covering both his arms, she noticed.

Gently and slowly, Michaela ran the sponge along his arm. But Sully felt it. He flinched back, causing water to splash onto the floor.

"I…I'm sorry," Michaela was surprised by his reaction.

Sully grimaced and clutched his arm.

"Did I hurt you?" Michaela worried

"No," Sully answered quickly. "Just…leave me alone."

Michaela sighed. She shouldn't have known he'd draw back from her.

"Sully, I-"

"Leave me alone, Michaela," he quickly regretted his harsh tone. "Please?"

Michaela lowered her head and put the sponge on the tray beside the tub. She then walked to the door but stopped when she heard a sound from Sully.

Looking behind him, her heart broke. How could she leave him alone now?

With quiet footsteps, Michaela knelt beside him.

"Sweetheart," she touched his back.

"Leave me alone," he cried. "I don't want you…"

His words hurt her, but she knew they weren't true.

"Sully," she attempted to hold back her own emotions.

"I didn't want to," Sully touched his injured arm. "I didn't…I didn't know what else to do."

"You could have come to me," she reasoned.

Sully shook his head.

"Yes, Sully. You could have."

"You won't want me if I tell you," he said.

"Tell me what?"

Sully sighed and fell silent.

A few moments passed and he still remained quiet. Michaela sighed and reached for a towel.

"Here," she said. "Let's get you dry."

Sully stood from the tub and let Michaela dry him off. Soon enough, he was sitting on the bed, dressed in nothing but pants.

Michaela sat beside him and ran a hand on his thigh.

Sully held his arm close to his chest so that she could not see the scars. Michaela sensed that he was becoming distant.

"Sully, please," she feared that he was going to leave again. "Talk to me."

Sully sighed heavily and laid his head in his hands.

"Michaela, I don't know how," he said.

Michaela put a hand on his back but didn't say a word.

"It started," Sully began. "A few months ago, I didn't say anything because…I thought it would pass, but when it didn't I…" he fell silent.

"What started?" Michaela inquired.

"The dreams," Sully ran a hand over his beard. "I kept seeing O'Connor…the cliff. I wanted to tell you but…I didn't want you to…"

Michaela began to rub comforting circles on his back.

Sully sighed heavily and glanced at the door; he was feeling the need to run away again. He sifted his position and was about to stand from the bed, but stopped. He had done that too many times to her.

Instead, he tightly shut his eyes, hoping that it would all fade away. Unfortunately, this was not one of his dreams. This was the reality that he inevitably had to face.

With a heavy swallow and a deep breath, Sully went on.

"I didn't want you looking at me like…like a patient. Like you needed to treat me."

Michaela sighed.

"Sully," her voice was soft. "I would never look at you like that. You're not my patient…your my husband, I want to help you because I love you."

Sully tensed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, I just…I can't get it out of my head. Every time, I close my eyes I see him," a tear rolled down his cheek.

Michaela gently wiped it away.

"I know how you feel," she said.

Sully shook his head.

"No, you don't," he breathed. "No one knows how I feel."

Michaela clasped his hand.

"I know how afraid you feel. Unsafe and alone."

Sully looked at her with tear filled eyes.

"When I was shot," Michaela said. "I thought I'd never be the same. The fear I felt every time I was near a window, a door, the nightmares. I know it's not the same, Sully, but I do know your fear."

Sully let out a breath and shook his head.

"I just feel so alone," he felt alump in his throat. "And I know I need to be s…strong, but I don't. I know I shouldn't feel this way but…" he fell silent.

"Why?" Michaela rubbed her thumb on his palm. "Why shouldn't you feel that way?"

Sully looked at her and blinked in uncertainty. Now posed with the question, he didn't quite have an answer.

"Becasuse I…I…" he didn't know what to say.

Michaela sighed, feeling as if she had cornered him, which was certaintly not her intention.

"Sully, you don't have to have an answere, you-"

"Yes, I do," he moved his hand away from her grasp. "I always have to have an answere. I have to know what's going on."

Michaela's voice was gentle, "Why?"

Sully stood and spoke with anger.

"Because looked what happened when I didn't!" He yelled. "If I would have known what was going on O'Connor would of never found me!"

Silence fell.

There it was. Now, Michaela understood…Sully blamed himself.

"Sully," Michaela approached him.

Sully turned around as she drew near.

Putting a hand on his upper arm, she stod in from of him. Her heart broke when their eyes met.

Tears rolled down Sully's cheeks and his eyes were red.

"I'm sorry I did this to you," his voice cracked. "I never would have-"

"Shh," Michaela cupped his cheek in her hand. "You are not to blame. You had no idea, O'Connor would find you. You just wanted to help the Indians…Cloud Dancing."

"I caused the raids in town. I hurt you and the kids. I..I just…I'm sorry," Sully broke down crying. "I can't do it anymore!"

Sully fell to knees and Michaela went down with him.

He cries echoed through the room.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Sully's cries were from downstairs

Brian sat beside his sister; a worried expression on his face.

"He is healing," Cloud Dancing sat down as well.

"You call that healing?" Daniel motioned upstairs.

"He has carried much hurt for a long time," the older man continued.

Matthew sipped his coffee.

"I just hope he does heal," he said.

"He won't if we don't help him," Andrew added.

At that moment, they heard Katie stirred.

Colleen walked over and lifted her.

"He just needs to be reminded that he's safe."


End file.
